Shock Absorbed

2011-12-12T05:17:00.000-08:00

i need to learn to try harder.

but i really think i'm deadening the wrong emotions.

i meant for the expectations to stop coming. i meant to play by your rules, and to try and see things in your way.

but instead, i still want the things you can't give. and with every answer a disappointment, every compromise a letdown, i feel my affections waning because i'm tired of feeling my hopes get trampled and crumpled as if they're the most inconsequential things.

i dont even want to be excited with seeing you anymore. i dont even want to be excited with any possibility of spending time together. i know somewhere between that i will just want to go home and sigh and wonder where the stirrings in my heart went.

i never feel that you're around anymore. i havent felt that you're by my side for a while. i honestly feel more alone now when i'm with you than when i really was on my own.

2011-11-29T06:18:00.000-08:00

please try harder.

i can't do this on my own.

i can't do this if you don't care. i can't do this if it doesn't matter to you.

2011-08-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

it must be easy for you, keeping me at bay. only enjoying your time with me while i writhe and toss and turn inside my head; compromising my rosy expectations with the tedious reality and WAITING. a whole lot of waiting, only for you.

how come those silly little dreams i have that i should be dreaming of with you, i have to dream with someone else?

how come you can't just integrate me in your life in the long term? i mean, your brain literally can't process it. you remove me from anything that will 'stick'; anything that you will have to look back on years from now, you remove me from our context. i don't even know if this is done consciously, but it is so glaringly obvious to me. i'd rather you reject me. or assure me that when you do think of these things, it will include me. it will include us.

i'm not stupid, of course there might be other reasons if it isnt meant to be. but if it isnt meant to be, it will not be because i lacked commitment. it will not be because i didn't try hard enough. it will not be because i held you loosely, and only wanted "to see where things would go". i am not experimenting. i am not gathering "life experience". i would not waste my time for any of that. i would not only do it for the love of cute moments.

i stay for you. i stay for the hope that it would always be you.

2011-08-23T10:33:00.001-07:00

apparently, i bottle anger, resentment and disappointment and leave them forgotten somewhere within me.

it comes out in a torrent when i accidentally open it, and turns into a black, violent swirl of hate.

why do i do this? why do i repress?

2011-08-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

omg

do i look stupid?

of course it's shallow! don't make it seem like i just don't have control over what i feel. i DON'T WANT to feel better about it, don't you see?

fuck you all can't i be shallow this one time after all the growing up i've had to do for you?

2011-08-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

i'm gold and you know it.

so what if i decided i deserve better than this?

2011-08-08T19:56:00.000-07:00

if i pray for you, and i will, don't misunderstand.

it's not out of hoping that there is something after death. i think that there's nothing as well, i think that we're supposed to reap the goodness we've sown in this life while we're alive and there's no reward or punishment that comes at the end of it.

i'd pray out of hoping that you truly felt that you did the best out of what time was given to you.

2011-07-28T04:07:00.000-07:00

damn it God,

i love and trust you and i always have.

i thought i was wrong because i was made to think that if i didnt partake of the rituals that your 'representatives' said you wanted, it made me a non-believer.

i may not always make the right choice, and may not talk to you often enough... but you have to know you're in my heart always. i've always felt it and i've always known. i'm just rarely vocal about it. there's only you to thank for my blessings, my strength, and my happiness. you've always given me what i needed, and never made me go through anything i couldnt take.

and i really appreciate the fact that this is being made clearer to me now. that i dont have to listen to other people who claim to know what you want for me. i'm beginning to understand what really matters.

2011-06-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

i want to move.

to change.

to leave.

or at the very least, keep up.

2011-05-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

at the very least, i wish you didn't hide as much.

ARTE!

2011-03-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

haha. i'm sorry, but no matter how much you review things or express your social concern, you're still a vapid, shallow, consumeristic, pampered child to me.

not being witty and having no novel contributions to any discussion also lower your credibility.

you'll never impress me, but you'll always fascinate me.

-

stop trying to prove yourself to people.

you have not even experienced a real hell week, you noob.

//judgment at its finest.

2011-01-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

sometimes i hate you.

sometimes i really do.

2011-01-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

my tear ducts are extra responsive to:

- extreme frustration
- real anger
- hypophrenia

i'm mostly a cheerful person, but my tear ducts do get an immediate response when i am met with these negative feelings. its not because i am simply too sensitive,
its because of the fight that instantly breaks out between that negative emotion and the urge to get over it as soon as possible.

i don't like to repress or sweep things under the rug. i always want to know what exactly makes me frustrated or sad or angry, so i can make my peace with it. between the time and i start crying and stop crying, i will have been wrestling with raw, inconsolable anger/frustration/inexplicable sadness and finding a way to reason with it or silence it altogether. this is why i should not be spoken to or "consoled" while i'm in tears in public - gestures of comfort only distract and confuse me, lengthening my crying time. the second i've constructed a complete flowchart in my head that explains why i got upset, it will be as if i've never been offended or affected. all this takes place in preferably under 10 minutes to prevent embarrassment or further inquiry from people.

there is the ultimate relief in knowing that there is a reasonable cause behind an extreme emotion. i'll never have to use lame excuses like irrationality. its the perfect way to prevent saying things that are out of line or counterproductive, as well as the cure to not being too caught up with an issue.

2010-12-17T02:12:00.001-08:00

must you be so intense about everything?

they were right - when you show how much work you've put into something too much, it wouldn't seem so impressive because naturally, hard work begets good results.

unfortunately you go about so obsessed with succeeding, constantly trying to prove yourself to people.

you gotta chill.

2010-12-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

no more expectations, that's my new mindset.

it's hard being visibly upset about unmet expectations. it'd be easier for me to just drop them. things like that don't have to bother me. i can manage with what is freely given.

but that doesn't mean that i should be made to feel like i've been done a huge favor when my expectations are exceeded.

2010-11-29T04:43:00.000-08:00

it's as if i'm in the process of changing my identity; i have had and will have to change all my accounts - from my email, to my YM ID, phone number and even bank account.

all this work is so frustrating.

between schoolwork, org work, part time jobs and internship applications; i barely feel fulfilled, i just feel tired all the time. and it sucks that i know that. i dont wanna take a break because that's just putting off work and piling them even higher. when my mother took the family to a trip to Subic, the only thought i had was that i had lost a day that could have been for studying or work.

2010-11-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

finally pinpointed it.

it's not that we're so different.

it's that we're not equal.

i want to be supportive and be happy for all the good things that come to you, but frankly the more success you achieve the more unreachable you become to me. you're farther away, and it triggers my inferiority issues.

maybe its partly why i'm too clingy. when i dont see you, when i dont feel the certainty i feel when i'm with you, i am consumed by my insecurity.

and at night when the things i fear plague me the most, i wonder if my unreliable confidence could take it as far as my unwavering commitment would.

2010-11-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

it seems that i have the tendency to keep biting off more than i can chew.

even when my jaws are already aching, my teeth grinding, and my tongue can't taste anymore.

sometimes i ask myself why i put myself through this.

i promise myself i would say no next time.

but here i am designing a poster as a favor, making somebody else's homework, helping edit yearbook pictures and writing for some research company.

it's the first week of school and there's technically very little academics to worry about as of now!

yet i feel as burned out as ever. :/

2010-11-04T05:41:00.000-07:00

one of my pet peeves is getting sales-talked.

anyone trying to convince me, in general, always makes me uncomfortable, and i always end up investing for much more than what i intended. i especially find this troublesome when they are perky, speaks fast, or extremely emotional because i cannot find the right time to stop them. after listening to their whole spiel, nodding and vaguely agreeing to everything they say, i feel compelled to at least give what they're peddling a chance. and that's when i just know i will regret saying okay.

2010-11-02T01:44:00.000-07:00

what makes my evil self feel better?

knowing that my lollygag study habits produces better results than your serious-ass, hit-the-books style.

2010-10-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

i have many friends on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook. but some of them have these awful online personalities that make me want to hit the "unfollow" button everytime they post. i mean i actually like them in real life, but sometimes it takes a lot for me to actually hold in my annoyance and just ignore their posts that irritate me.

in any case, here's my list of online personalities that make me roll my eyes.

1. Miss I Am So Amazed at How Interesting I Am
2. Miss Cheesy, Fruity, Idealistic Things
3. Miss/Mister Twitter Conversation
4. Miss 100 Photos and Song Lyric Caption
5. Miss Too Much Drama In My Life
6. Miss I Party Everyday
7. Mister OMG I Lost A Follower
8. Miss Pay Attention to My Posts Please
9. Miss Consumerism
10. Miss/Mister Online PDA
11. Miss/Mister Look How Accomplished and Busy I Am
12. Miss/Mister Reklamo

i know this is mean, and i actually feel bad about actually writing about them, but i gotta get it out of system somehow. now i feel better. hahaha!

2010-10-14T11:32:00.000-07:00

easy for you to say.

i'm not in your dreams.

2010-09-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

the conditions you're used to tell you you should detach yourself from anything uncertain.

and despite well-meaning advice that i should detach myself as well, i'm sticking with my 'all or nothing' shtick.

i guess it's safer to detach so you don't give too much of yourself, and so you don't crash if it doesn't work out. but that is so cowardly. and i have never been as certain.

fuck getting hurt, man! what are you so scared of?

2010-09-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

well it hurts to know i wont ever surprise or intrigue or impress or earn respect on my own.

it hurts to know i can easily found in loads of other people, to know that i'm not a lot to lose, and probably not even enough. it's so me to never be needed needed for particular things. anyone else could do a better job at the same thing but i just happened to be right there, willing to stick it out in the hope of finding something to really be needed in.

i used to think i could get somewhere even with my ways, but apparently you had to have a personality, these mechanisms and mindsets and certain abilities to truly be successful. all of which i've inherently practiced the opposite of. but i like being me, so it sucks that i only get to choose either my ideals or success. but it still hurts to feel irrelevant, and forgettable, and to realize that i may doomed to forever being a second-rate everything, even with the things i'm passionate about.

as far as i know, i'm replaceable. so sometimes, when i realize the awesomeness of where i am, i think, "what the hell am i doing here? i'm not worthy and i don't even like what this is making me!" and i could easily leave and save myself the misery but i've come to truly love so much and care so much and have the details of it mean so much to me i'm willing to work my ass off just to deserve it and be a part of it.

2010-09-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

sometimes an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy comes and i fear that nothing i do will be enough to match the way you take care of me.

but i know that i will keep babying you and spoiling you and doing as much as i can for you for as long as you let me.

that, i'm pretty sure of.

2010-09-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

once in a while, the realization of the things i have had to put up with or give up slap me in the face and i question what seems to be so easy for me.

i decide that it's very difficult, and it will get more difficult as time goes by. i think that i do not want part of it, that i should call it quits now while i think doing so is still something i could do. i hear myself complain about all the things i never really considered a big deal because at the time i felt it was okay.

and i consider demanding more of what "i deserve".

but i let the night pass and sleep.

the next day, when i feel so much better, i realize why things are so easy all the time.

and it's the easiest thing to do again.

2010-09-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

i really really really hate it when people flatter themselves.

yes yes, you're all that and more. your knowledge is vast, and your talent is unparalleled!

that's great.

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

2010-08-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

things that make me realize that i actually still live under a rock.

1 - the number of old films i never have the time (and/or patience) to watch.
2 - the number of tv shows i should get into but am not (Modern Family, Community, Doctor Who, etc)
3 - the number of indie bands/music i have not listened to
4 - the amount of vintage pop culture references based on comics/old cartoons i dont get.
5 - the number of culture related events i have skipped out on or did not know about
6 - the number of culture-ish places in the metro that i have never been to
7 - the number of people who i should apparently know in the field that i am in.
8 - the number of job titles/companies i do not know i could work for.

2010-08-17T03:38:00.000-07:00

puh-lease. you are not a character from grey's anatomy so stop being an overacting whore!!

i dont care if writing your feelings out is your only source of stress relief... or self-validation for that matter, but at least have some decency to not be so rude on the internet!

NAKAKAHIYA KA.

zasdfhadfgksdgjkl

2010-08-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

there's this vision of myself that i have living in Japan for at least at a time in my life. and i have this huge opportunity to do so for during summer vacation! i just have to arrange things like early internships, certifications, PERMISSION haha, etc. the dream is to live independently, really ALONE for a while, like a "vacation" that validates my ability to fend for myself for real. it's a total bonus that i would be doing so in the country i have forever felt an attachment to.

that dream is almost just an arm's length away! yet... i find myself hesitating to reach for it.. :( i think what's making me uncertain of it, more than the fear of being there on my own, is the prospect of not being able to see, touch, hug, cuddle and annoy certain people for 3 whole months, the longest time i will ever not see them for. most especially that one person. actually, just that one person. huu.

2010-08-04T00:32:00.001-07:00

someone told me people from my school who were in the lower batches asked him why i wasnt in the school paper. from the way he saw it, those younguns saw me as this artsy, quirky person who can write well so why wasnt i in the School Paper, Achieving Things and whatnot.

truth is, kids, i never really expected anything from being a college student (in Ateneo). also never in my high school life did i wish with all my heart that i would be an Atenean. it was just that the only choices i gave myself was Ateneo and UP as the appealing schools i wanted to go to. it wasnt a question of future affiliation. it was mostly just a question of the only 2 schools i knew i liked.

i appreciated the new leaf as i entered college, but i didnt really imagine my Ideal College Self, and i didnt think so much about comparing it with my high school experience. there's relatively little for me to look back on, and i wasnt too attached to my Unknown High School From the South. i was thankful for the adequate education, but i guess that was it. hahahaha. i missed my friends, my HS class, but i really wasnt into constantly posting "i miss highschool" photo albums.

because a lot of my friends and the people in my highschool class were achievers, i guess their goals really were set kind of high. while i got into a few orgs and gigs on my own, to be honest, the only goal i ever had was to smoke weed, and i havent even accomplished that! hahahaha. (though its not a question of accessibility)

in the beginning i took college less seriously than a lot of my friends. but even as i'm actually only starting to really work on my credentials now and stuff, i still have no Ideal College Self. i'm just taking the experiences as they come, and i'm pretty cool with that.

2010-07-30T00:17:00.000-07:00

you dont have to pretend i'm a priority. you dont have to convince me i'm not just an option. it's not offensive, i'm just saying that if you're not going to lay out all your cards then just go 100% and admit you're not going to. i'm not asking you to give up things for me, i just wish you could say you're not going to.

i actually wish i took things like you do... so i dont have to put myself out there so much, so i dont have to give up too much of myself, and so it wouldnt hurt so much if you can't be available for the number of things you can't be available for.

you think it's fun KNOWINGLY being 48 laws of power'd?

2010-07-28T02:36:00.001-07:00

shhhh, i'm aiming for a cuatro sem.

2010-07-12T07:44:00.000-07:00

you dont understand how much i've given up and how it has come back to bite me in the ass.

i always wonder if you could give up the same for me, but i know a lot of things are more important than me/being with me. so i guess i dont want to know the answer to that.

2010-07-01T22:36:00.000-07:00

good lord.

i might have a "deep-seated need to be useful" (which i'll never reveal the roots of, btw) but that's only a small part of why i want/need to do things. i want/need to do things mainly because (going back to my previous entry)

I AM HAPPY-GO-LUCKY BY NATURE. NOW I'M SORRY I DIDNT BECOME AS CONFIDENT AS YOUR SCHOOL MADE YOU BUT IN MY HEAD I'VE COME TO REALIZE MY HAPPY-GO-LUCKYNESS WILL NOT GET ME ANYWHERE. THIS MAKES ME SCARED OF BEING INADEQUATE NEXT TO ALL THE PEOPLE I'M GOING IN THE SAME FIELD WITH. CREDENTIALS ARE MY ONLY HOPE. WITHOUT THOSE, IT'LL BE LIKE I'M PLAYING WITH A TUNA FISH WHILE EVERYONE ELSE HAS A RACKET DURING A TENNIS GAME. DO I EVEN LOOK FOR HUGE CREDENTIALS? NO. JUST ENOUGH TO SEEM LIKE I'M ACTUALLY INTO PARTICIPATING.

never mo yang na-gets! kaya wag ka nga mag-marunong!

AND don't you say that like i'm one of them.

I AM NOT!

2010-06-30T01:08:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.

dont you get it?

i'm inadequate! i feel like there's nothing special i really have to offer that will make people want to hire me!

this'll be where the credentials come in, but if i dont have as many of that as other people who even have special skills to offer AND good grades AND experience AND contacts, then i dont stand a chance.

i dont even have clearly cut back-up plans! :))

look, i'm kind of anti-social for a Comm major, and i dont trust myself that much.

so dont just tell me i shouldnt worry about getting a good job when i graduate just because i come from this university!

2010-06-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes, there are these annoying internet loudmouths.

if you're following at least one of them on Twitter or Tumblr (just like I happily/irritatingly am), expect:

1. a useless, unnecessary comment on EACH and EVERY reblogged pictures they post (just "THIS.", "HAHAHAHAHA!", etc) *take note: my beef is not with the comment, it is with the "each and every".

2. 80% cheesy, corny, unrealistic, sickeningly saccharine/emo love quotes, stories, lyrics etc. occasionally (20%) a cute animal/drawing pic or funny/witty post.

3. over-exaggerated emotions on every mundane event in their lives ("I'M GONNA DIE/KILL MYSELF/USE CAPS LOCK/CURSE LIKE CRAZY")

4. a rundown of the things they did today (good lord, nobody cares!)

5. the only different topic in your Twitter dashboard during a timely issue(which would be about them, of course) so your timeline will go something like this:

intellectualperson111 : check out my statistically-sound analysis on who will win in the World Cup!
footballfan69: GO #someplayer from #somecountry!!!!
regularperson00: i dont know anything about #FIFA, i wish i knew what the fuss is about!
mediafreak222: you guys, here's a youtube vid of the best goals made in this years World Cup! #FIFA
internetloudmouthx: FUCK FUCK FUCK I SAW A COCKROACH I'M GONNA DIE SHIT TANGINA!
hipster239: vuvuzela madness! http://iamahipster.tumblr.com

6. some fragmented internet/Tumblr lingo (iz, FML, hai gaiz!, nao, i cant even!, Mean Girls reference, etc), weak pop culture knowledge (only goes as far as mainstream American TV shows...), complete naivety about indie music/films (or maybe its just the lack of proof that suggest otherwise)

7. A BAD MOOD EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. that compels them to take it out on the internet every night. 90% of what they post online is WHINING. WHINING SO MUCH IT LEAKS OUT OF MY MONITOR AND IS ON ITS WAY TO GIVING ME AN ANEURYSM.

8. rants/complaints/whines about parents

9. probably more. something Twilight or Glee related i suppose, fandom or otherwise.

the best part is that once criticized for being so ANNOYING, this kind of internet loudmouth will go something like this:

"cuss cuss cuss i dont care what you think expletive expletive cuss so unfollow me! blahblahblahblah mga h8erzz kayo!! cuss expletive cuss i am so gonna do shit nao!! yadda yadda OH WAIT THIS ISNT ON CAPS LOCK YET whine whine whine YOU PEOPLE ARE SO JUDGMENTAL! blah blah cuss cuss rant rant I MISS HIGHSCHOOL WHERE MY UNSTABLE EMOTIONS WERE EXCUSABLE! whine whine I'M GONNA PROVE SOMETHING TO THE WORLD SOMEDAY! PUTANGINA dghjklshg'asgdas SHIT FUCK LINTEK GODDAMN assghdk;fgjdl EMOTION EMOTION EXAGGERATION!!! cuss cuss cuss LIFE IS SO HARD! I'M GONNA GO KILL MYSELF!

ok, i'm gonna go take a bath and SLEEP for x number of hours nao because i got a headache from whining too much

person i'm in a relationship with, I'LL LOVE YOU til the day i die"

sorry man, they're just trainwrecks of attention-whoring accounts and i CAN'T look away. :|

what is A RANT POST?? hahaha

DUDE(S)! GROW UP!

x

2010-06-25T07:13:00.001-07:00

its surprising how one person can catch another person's hidden vulnerability in little things online.
its also surprising how there are really some behavioral patterns with people who go out of there way to "prove something to the world" even when its already unnecessary and almost lurking in attention-seeking territory.

but these people come with some sort of vibe as well, that i somehow pick up, and, even if i try to shrug it off and see them in a different light... they just keep exuding whiffs of "need to be better than everyone else" like bad BO. and sometimes no matter how impressive the things these people do, they always just come off to me as trying too hard to "prove something". the activities they're into just feel like the way they deal with some deep-seated insecurities they want to prove they can conquer.

these people have an intensity to them, not a natural kind of intensity, but like, an achieved intensity they are determined to maintain. they are (secretly) concerned with how people react to the things they do and say. they're also most likely to tell lots of other people. they like to add shock value to the things they do, so even when they arent the best fit for the activity, the effort and ability to succeed seems impressive in itself. a number maybe are emotional wrecks on the inside but you'll also probably see that in their blogs or something.

they like to think self-improvement via being active in an unnecessary number of things will make them a better person to other people, but i guess in reality, tyler durden is right: self-improvement is masturbation.

or maybe i'm just spewing out bullshit. maybe some of "these people" do have sincere, multiple interests at heart. but i just saw someone tweet something along the lines of "why didnt anyone respond to my previous tweet about something socially relatable?" wtf, man? it just seemed kinda desperate to me. and so i thought about how that kinda behavior is similar with other people i know whose attention-seeking intentions are more obvious......

2010-06-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

why yes i am fully aware that i'm an optional.

why yes i know there are lots of other things more important than being with me.

2010-05-18T02:06:00.000-07:00

paradoxes:

- when the only person you want to talk to about the stuff you overthink about just tells you not to overthink, it just makes you overthink some more. it fixes nothing, and the reason i want to talk about it in the first place is to help fix it!

- giving more of myself away feels like a blind investment that could end up in as much pain as the "self" i've given away. and its weird because i like giving myself away as much as i am scared of pain.

- i complain that i'm too attached and i need to stop, yet i get upset with going home early, insist on coordinating schedules, and find great difficulty doing activities that only involve me.

- uncertainty sucks. its like this secret i know i dont want to know about, but am still itching to know. but then there's no way to know unless i participate in the result.

- reasons/arguments/ideas that make sense only when i'm alone, and not when i actually bring it up. the things i thought up in my head disappear, and i only want to cry and/or scream. scenarios i thought up just end up as epic failures. haha

- the only person i want to talk to about these kinda things is also the person i cant talk to about these kinda things.

2010-05-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

GO ON, REVEL IN THE FACT THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHANCE OF SAFETY.

2010-04-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

it's kinda pathetic that i get sad over such things.
i'm so clingy and attached and dependent. :(

FOR SHAME!

2010-04-04T22:32:00.000-07:00

OK BRAIN,

you have had enough petiks for college. does it feel good to have a low QPI when everyone else's is high? I DONT THINK SO. so stop it, everyone says you CAN be smart, just work for it and aim high for once.

may i remind you,

YOU NEED THIS.

NEED.

so start getting your shit together please. you so need a career high.

2010-03-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

there's this online test i took which said my self-sufficiency was low. i guess it was true.

i find it very very very hard to believe anything nice and important said about me. once i believed in something awesome that was said to me often and well it didnt turn out to be true. and now even in completely different situations with completely different people, when its best for me to just believe, i cant even if i really wanted to. i just couldnt.

i wish i didnt think about things, and only thought of now. i know i'm really happy now. but i'm scared of being caught off guard and rebuilding from square one. its a LOT to lose, so that at least i'm sure would be understood. i'm becoming so attached, so prone to being blindsided one (theoretical) day. so i constantly remind myself that things might not be true again, that i might not always be happy, but it always hurts to think about.

so it really kind of sucks that i have to wrestle with balancing being happy yet being somehow guarded a lot of the time. and it sucks even more to do it alone, because i know i can't be promised anything. but it would have made me feel better to know i'm not the only one wondering sometimes. or that its okay to wonder. it's not like not thinking about these fears makes them go away.

or, i'd rather be lied to, i guess. i dont know.

i wish i could talk to someone, really talk to someone. and have them listen, and not just wait for their turn to speak. or tell me to just not think about it and try to amuse me to distract me. i wish they'd hug me and tell me something wise and somehow assure me anything! i wish they'd tell me they understand and mean it. i wish they'd tell me i'm a lot to lose too and mean it.

and i wish i could talk about it and not feel more like a silly loser afterwards because that's what i just usually feel when i attempt to say something i dont usually bring up. especially with this.

2010-02-01T02:38:00.000-08:00

people always take communism the wrong way. especially when i tell them how it appeals to me.

for me, its the key to a world of equality.

but it requires everyone to truly hit rock bottom first.
the world as Tyler Durden sees it.

nobody really needs all the trimmings, all the bells and whistles, all the latest upgrades and updates.
people can survive with a bare minimum, they just choose not to.

of course nobody wants to hit rock bottom.
we all think we have too much to give up.

so nobody really wants equality.

2010-01-22T09:01:00.000-08:00

CRISIS

may nabasa ako sa tumblr na may ibang tao na "loser" na iniisip na kaya sila loser e kasi raw natutulog pa yung "real self" nila tapos sa deathbed nila marerealize na nila na yung naging buhay nila yun na talaga yung reality na akala nila tulog pa

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

walang mangyayari sa buhay ko wala akong alam gawin di ako marunong magsulat mag-aral mag-manipulate maging charming maging deep mag-picture mag-math mag-analyze mag-act sumayaw kumanta mag-lead gumamit ng musical instrument maging creative magsalita in public mag-sports mag-business mag-art mag-perform maging witty mag-video mag-pose mag-tanim mag-edit mag-games mag-martial arts mag-skate mag-gymnastics magpatawa mag-luto

WALA WALA AKONG KAYANG GAWIN SWEAR ANO MANGYAYARI SA BUHAY KO NAKAKATAKOT PAG WALANG KAYANG GAWIN PURO SWERTE LANG WELL SWERTE AKO KONTI PERO MAS MALAS AKO HUHUHU DI KAMI MAYAMAN KAYA KO BA NA PURO SARILING SIKAP KO LANG LAHAT WALA AKONG CONNECTIONS DI AKO MARUNONG NG KAHIT ANO ARGH GUSTO KONG MATUTO KELANGAN KO LANG NG SUPORTA AT SAKA SANA WALANG PAPANSIN MUNA KUNG BANO AKO SA SIMULA KASI NAWAWALAN AKO KAAGAD NG GANA SORRY DI KASI AKO NATURAL NA MAGALING GUSTO KO LANG MATUTO WALA PA AKONG KAYANG GAWIN KASI GRRRRRRRRR WASTE OF SPACE AKO PERO AYOKO MAGING WASTE OF SPACE KELANGAN KO NG SUPORTA NAKAKASAWA MAGING ANINO NG LAHAT OK

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

2010-01-11T17:56:00.000-08:00

DAY 3
my favorite tv program

usually i'd want to answer an obscure tv show with a cult following, but i dont know many elusive tv shows. i could answer Skins too, with its awesome soundtracks, spliff and general epicness, but if i were to choose between a teen drama or a comedy i would choose comedy any day. which is why my current favorite tv program is How I Met Your Mother.

HIMYM is just adorable. sharp writing, exceptional wit, NEIL PATRICK HARRIS, small doses of drama, just enough intrigue to pique my curiousity to keep coming back for more, JASON SEGEL, inside jokes, a conclusion to wait for and remarkable storytelling make me love HIMYM more with every episode i watch. but more than anything, HIMYM's biggest assets are its well-written, carefully developed and completely endearing characters.

my main reason for watching tv shows is for relaxation and to make me forget about my own problems and issues for a while. HIMYM takes care of that need as they pile on witty catchphrases and hilarious events one after the other. it just guarantees laughter and smiles for 30 whole minutes. which is why i'm gonna have to choose HIMYM over Skins, even if they're not meant to be compared, really. :))

It's going to be legen...wait for it...and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant 'cause the second half of that word is...DAIRY! - Barney

P.S I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE 100TH EPISODE ON MONDAY :D :D :D :D :D

2010-01-09T04:10:00.000-08:00

did you guys know Madonna's ex-husband directed Sherlock Holmes? i've always only known Guy Ritchie as Madonna's (then) husband, i never knew he was actually a director! :)) in any case his directing was pretty commendable; although Rotten Tomatoes says that it didnt fit with the whole classic Holmes storytelling thing. i personally found it highly entertaining, but that's because if a movie has cheeky dialogue, unusual screenplay and of course catchy soundtracks (you go, Hans Zimmer, AGAIN), i'd be good with it. but i'm no Holmes stories geek and i can see why hardcore fans/longtime readers are disappointed. but of course, RDJ was so endearing! he could very well be the best part of the movie. kooky, scruffy smartass characters with personality defects are always so appealing...and sexy! (i.e House, Jack Sparrow, Dr Spencer Reid, L..etc)

i love that the charm of Sherlock Holmes was so modernized, the fact that he was turned into a jujitsu expert didnt bother me at all because i guess if thats what it takes to show how badass he is, then so be it. i also adored the use of Snyder-esque elements in the action scenes and how it was sometimes reminiscent of Burton's dark sense of humor. its too bad though that this movie wont probably be too memorable to many because its sort of an "in-the-middle" movie. i'd bet that there will be 2 kinds of people who would want to watch Sherlock Holmes, the ones who want to see the celluloid interpretation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's famous detective- meaning they expect a highly intellectual period film; and the ones who want to watch it for entertainment. the latter would probably appreciate the movie more because of RDJ's performance and the spunky cinematography...given that they get it, and by get it i mean they understand the plot, references and humor. the former crowd will probably be disappointed because of the lack of in-depth focus on the logic and deductive skills of the Sherlock Holmes. eitherway, since the movie tries to compromise with both crowds, it ends up leaving both not quite satisfied.

overall if one hasnt been waiting for this movie ever since its press release, or if he doesnt find RDJ's awesomness reason enough to watch, then i guess he can probably wait until it comes out on tv/dvd.

:P

2010-01-07T08:18:00.000-08:00

DAY 2
my favorite movie

i've been raving about Fight Club for a couple of years now, so i'll gush about this particular movie that came as a close second in my favorite movies list.

Fight Club was awesome to me because the story and narration was so dark, gritty, urban, cold and very elaborate. i especially loved small, significant details like how tyler durden would be shown in just a single, fleeting frame before he was introduced. it defined "movie with a huge cult following". but i said i wouldnt ramble about Fight Club today.

literally my earliest influence on my love for indie movies and film in general, 70's colors, witty, deadpan comedy and even smoking was the movie The Royal Tenenbaums. i may have only been 9 or 10 when i first watched it, but i never forgot the montage about Margot Tenenbaum's life or the Richie suicide attempt scene. it was completely life-changing, and that's why this post is dedicated to it today. Wes Anderson remains my favorite director, and i love that all his films consistently have that vintage, dysfunctional, unpretentious charm.

"I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes." -Richie Tenenbaum on Royal

other movies i'll always love

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Stranger than Fiction

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Magnolia

Requiem for a Dream

PotC series

Monty Python's Life of Brian

2010-01-07T08:00:00.000-08:00

DAY 1
my favorite song

to be honest, i dont really want to identify a single, go-to, ultra favorite song. most of the time i'd have a song or a set of songs that i'd need to hear daily and eventually other songs will replace my current favorites. i particularly love songs that i get from tv shows and movies because i associate them with the scenes i find most memorable.

right now, i'm loving a lot of songs from the Skins soundtrack, especially Hummer by Foals (okay, i heard it in the Unseen Secret Party episode, and it quite blew my mind). i mean, just watch the epic-ness at the scene they used it on!

some other favorite songs i've had:

500 Miles by The Proclaimers (heard in recurring episodes of HIMYM)

Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel (heard in Watchmen)

Dragonfly by M. Craft (heard in Skins season 1)

Come Undone by Robbie Williams (heard on MTV 6 years ago)

1901 by Phoenix (heard in New York, I Love You trailer)

Marla by The Dust Brothers (heard in Fight Club soundtrack)

2009-12-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

FINALLY, ACTIVITY!!!!

so, since dear little Shock Absorbed has been neglected, i have decided to give it some LSD in order to fool it into thinking i'm actually maintaining it by answering a 30 day meme that claims to bare certain parts of my soul.

like Wish, i cannot promise a post a day because i'm too addicted to Tumblr, Twitter and sleeping to do so.

but! i can guarantee that this will be fun...for me mostly. :))

Day 01 → Your favorite song
Day 02 → Your favorite movie
Day 03 → Your favorite television program
Day 04 → Your favorite book
Day 05 → Your favorite quote
Day 06 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 07 → A photo that makes you happy
Day 08 → A photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 09 → A photo you took
Day 10 → A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 11 → A photo of you taken recently
Day 12 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 13 → A fictional book
Day 14 → A non-fictional book
Day 15 → A fanfic
Day 16 → A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 → An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 19 → A talent of yours
Day 20 → A hobbie of yours
Day 21 → A recipe
Day 22 → A website
Day 23 → A YouTube video
Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 25 → Your day, in great detail
Day 26 → Your week, in great detail
Day 27 → This month, in great detail
Day 28 → This year, in great detail
Day 29 → Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 → Whatever tickles your fancy

2009-10-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

DAMNIT i just passed up on two sweet essay deals both of which would have earned me a total of $40!!! one was a 2 page single-spaced paper on american literature worth $10 per page!! (5x the amount i am usually offered) and one 5 page double-spaced comparative essay on film worth $20+ total. both papers were due in 2 days, which would have been okay to handle, since i like the topics, but why couldn't i take the orders?

because since i am in las freaking piñas, i do not have an access to a library right now and both orders require references NOT taken online. :|

SAYAAAAAANG lang. :/

and its really boring here. like, really boring. :|

2009-10-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

THINGS I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO DO THIS SEMBREAK

1. visit school
2. go swimming
3. finish Kapitan Sino
4. finish Snuff
5. get a facial
6. get a massage
7. get new shoes/sneakers
8. buy nail polish in deep reds and pinks
~~9. go to dentist~~ he'll totally make me wear retainers when i'd only ask for teeth-cleaning.
10. get a pro mani-pedi
11. ~~get eyes checked~~ pretty sure i can still see :))
12. buy new clothes
13. finish HIMYM Season 2
14. finish HIMYM Season 3
15. finish HIMYM Season 4
~~16. finish Gossip Girl Season 2~~ DVD doesnt work, just like the last one i bought. :|
17. finish Burn Notice Season 1
18. watch Glee episodes
19. watch Skins episodes
~~20. watch Big Bang Theory episodes~~
~~21. attend Black Magic 2~~ :(
22. watch (500) Days of Summer YAYYYY!
23. ~~have a photoshoot~~ would much rather do this when i'm done with #27 hahaha
~~24. wear Halloween costume to somewhere :((~~
25. buy make-up
26. take on at least 3-5 freelance writing projects
27. lose weight
28. fix insomnia
29. help out in AVO
30. buy housing for phone :((
31. ~~buy and watch VCD/DVD of Win A Date With Tad Hamilton~~
32. ~~Skype-chat! :D~~ a little :(

okay, i will set up a schedule for everyday to like, REALLY DO EVERYTHING.
i hope this kind-of job i have doesnt get in the way. :|

italicized stuff will be the stuff i'm finished doing, while those crossed out will be, well, duh. :))

2009-10-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

just because we can't be available doesn't mean we don't want to be available.

just because we don't see each other often doesnt mean we'll grow apart.

and just because we cant be the friends you want us to be doesnt mean we're not giving the most we can in our friendship.

:-<

distance sucks.

2009-09-30T06:55:00.000-07:00

UNFAIR.

2009-09-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

i think the rest of the world scoffs at me because i'm really not focusing on earning so much money when i face the world on my own.

i mean, is that not really what life is about now? making money = being happy? what about all these inspirational quotes saying all these things about people buying stuff they dont really need? i really believe those. but since its all about money now, it doesnt matter. what matters is getting a dslr and shopping and being famous.

sigh. i'm gonna fail at life because i just want to live life, arent i?

2009-09-11T03:16:00.000-07:00

note to self:

you dont need naysayers in your life.

2009-09-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

dear self,

please. go out from under the rock you live in when sembreak starts.

watch How I Met Your Mother, Skins and Flight of the Conchords.

listen to Kings of Leon, Gym Class Heroes, more Owl City.

watch a movie in the cinema. absorb the story.

read a damn book.

catch Spring Awakening.

good god, develop.

love, your current self.

2009-09-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

maybe it's because i'm not instantly likeable.

:|

2009-08-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

must not forget:

this is all still just a compromise.

2009-08-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

a conversation.

tet: ang sakit ng ngipin ko!
paolo: bakit?
tet: tutubuan ata ako ng wisdom tooth eh.. natubuan ka na ng wisdom tooth?
paolo: ay, hindi pa..
tet: clearly.

2009-08-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

EXTREME RANTAGE

you know what, all you need is a little conviction. have some spine, goddamnit. and have some gratitude. if you were to tell me you feel pressured from all the "shit" you're going through i might just laugh at your face.

everything anyone could ever want is at your disposal; friends, a complete and loving family, people who love you and care about you, material things... and yet you manage to complain about things that actually aren't enough to complain about. these things you're experiencing, they are not even relatively close to difficult. because technically, the solution is at your fingertips; you just dont want to take it because its not the easiest decision. give up the things you should give up and stop hurting yourself and other people!

do not test the people who try to reach out to you by giving them more and more of your issues for them to carry without any gratitude. if this person is someone who is sincerely concerned about you, more so do you not have the right to abuse them like that. do not expect that just because you say "i love you" to them they will (or should) go through the ends of the earth for you. you can't just throw them scraps of your affection and leave them hanging and unappreciated the rest of the time. they go out of their way to your rescue you out of their volition without any strings attached and you go and pull them into the imaginary emotional quagmire you made for yourself? how selfish.

maybe i'm being judgmental. but from what i see and read, you're being full of bullshit.

2009-08-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

when i die my heaven would be an ever changing polaroid/lomo-colored dreamlike city like those photos on tumblr. it would be red-hued one minute and green hued the next; kind of like when you play with the color adjustment on photoshop. it'll be of a cityscape, of empty roads and buildings and broken cars, and it will be stuck in a perpetual sunset, when the colors glow beautifully especially against silhouettes.. i can have a field of untrimmed yet unitchy grass where i can run barefoot through in a white dress and a crown of dandelions and i can have a cliff where i can jump into a lake i can drown over and over in. it will be somewhere i can walk around in forever and have an adventure everyday.

if my life were to be made into a movie (albeit a very boring movie -_-) i want it to be a hyperlink cinema film directed by wes anderson. because i totally dig his vintage-y indie style. because the colors are muted and the art direction simple and they evoke unspoken loneliness and innate quirkiness and confusion and dysfunctionality. because his films have awesome soundtracks and happy endings. because its from a world less known.

because my life is art and it must always remain so. ;)

2009-07-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

the non-perks of working for cheating students

to writer,

most photocopies that u sent me dont match the books that you used in the work cited page,and some of them dont even related to my essay topic. Can you plsease send me the copies of the sources taht you used and shown on the work cited page.

Secondly, the essay you sent me doesnt follow the MLA format. For the cited work , u must put (author name, page no) after the sentences that you used.

I have put the instruction clearly when i order it...would you please send me a complete version asap.

Thank you.

dear customer,

you think the books don't match the photocopies because you've been reading the CHAPTER TITLE. they are not directly related to the topic, because i used them only to support some points made in your topic.

YES, they are in MLA format. i am sure because i used an online bibliography maker. i'm only guilty of not citing the work in the essay itself.

if you're so particular about your article, why didn't you cite your own sources as you were writing it? you gave me a half-assed 4-page essay to edit with lots of information that had no footnotes or citations whatsoever. and you expect me to find sources about things you've already written! if you're so OC about it, why didnt you just do your homework yourself?!

and one more thing, AYUS-AYUSIN MO MUNA GRAMMAR MO BAGO KA MAGREKLAMO SA'KIN AH!

asfjkhasdjkgdfhasjk;gfsdflasjkldklas!

bwiset!

2009-07-28T03:53:00.000-07:00

oh man, i'm really taking my comm theories to heart. :)) my favorite so far has been theodor adorno's culture industry which has further fueled my obsession with Fight Club and Into The Wild-esque beliefs and concepts. strange, lots of people think they agree with Tyler Durden and Christopher McCandless, but really, people (or people i know) just like capitalism more.

but the society's clingy-ness to commodified and industrialized products and ideas are not what i'm going to complain about today :3 it'll be about how i know lots of people and fans of Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (of Twilight fame) so much that they are almost bugging them to get together for real. what the fuck? and no, its not that i like Michael Angarano (Kstew's current boyfriend) more or whatever. i dont even like Twilight that much. and i sure as hell dont care about the cast. i'm just thinking about how these fans are soooo into Bella/Edward that they're forgetting that Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are real people. with preferences. with personal lives beyond the fictional characters they represent. so what if they look that good together? its just not fair that its like their audience is forcing them to make their characters real. besides, how do these fans think Kristen Stewart, Michael Angarano and Rob Pattinson would feel???

M.A : oh, kristen, how am i going to keep you? i dont quite have that rugged, vampire-y charm rob posesses, and people probably dont even remember Sky High.

K.S : babe babe, its okay; i only use my bedroom eyes with rob so i can satisfy all my adoring fans. our almost-kiss in the mtv movie awards was just to hype up New Moon, and i only gave him my shoestring bracelet and backpack as a publicity stunt.

R.P : *awkwaaaard* dude, michael, i'm really sorry for all the weirdness this saga is causing. but give it a few more years, you know, maybe all this shit'll die down. uhhh, i hope you can take it 'til then though...*awkwaaaard*

dont you think all that pressure and scrutiny from these fans who look into the tiniest things are affecting their personal lives?? :| i mean these actors are being almost dehumanized now! i mean, how much do you really need to be involved with their life? they're just trying to do their jobs as performers. why dont you bug your friends who have good chemisty but are with different people to get together while you're at it? would you do that to your friends, who are close to you? no? but its similar! see, slaves of the culture industry and the mass ornament dont care about that- they care about their needs as a consumer! they think of these actors as commodities because they're not friends or are related with them! how sad is that? we are such docile sheep of capitalism. whew, okay. rant over.

this culture industrialized world has left me in despair and more cynical than ever!! :(

2009-07-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

hmmn, so i'm tumblr-hopping, and i chanced upon one of my highschool batchmate's tumblrs. lots of pictures of the things she own, places she's been to; a shutterbug and photography enthusiast. but as i went through page after page after page of her tumblr, i got less and less impressed by her belongings and memories. i mean, its no offense to her who takes really good pictures, but it made me really appreciate the bare necessities. though, i think i am the only one i know who's closest to pulling a Christopher McCandless and letting go of everything and living a life in nature with only survival things. i really can handle life without all the clutter. i mean, i look at her pictures and i think 'my god, so you cant survive without all that shit?' these things we busy ourselves with having and wanting to have, its all really...not the point of life. but maybe its just that i'm just easily satisfied with what i can have while exposed to people who want to and can have everything they want. i'm sure lots of these things they own are to appreciate culture and art, which is nice, i think, but really, isnt it weird to think that now art and culture are exclusive to who can afford it- when its supposed to capture life for everyone?. material things may make life easier and prettier, but if you're looking to really live life- having lots of nifty shit isnt the way to go.

at this point in my life i can still be an ingrate and complain about the things i cant have. but srsly, compared to other "more fortunate" friends of mine, i still consider myself lucky i'm closer to that "naivety" siegfried kracauer describes. it is true- capitalism, efficiency- they kinda make us less human doesnt it?

dear friend, from what i see from your blogs...everything you like is ... commodified. :|

2009-07-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

dont tell me i'm "beautiful".

we all know i'm not.

2009-07-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

when i hear stories like that, i try really hard to pretend its not really happening. i just think its too much. too sad. i feel it shouldnt happen to people, not especially to people i know and are close to me. it breaks my heart to have witnessed everything, even if i never worried that it would happen. maybe i over-idealized it. :|

i understand it more now; i guess the proximity of an event to your life really makes it more... real.

too bad ignoring something wont make it go away. :(

2009-07-11T18:32:00.000-07:00

i really hate the taste and smell of tears early in the morning.

2009-07-05T03:43:00.000-07:00

sigh.

kubo tite (pronounced taito, okey?) has disappointed me again with his deus ex machinas in bleach!

at around the 360th chapter it seems like all the soul society captains are winning against the espadas, coz they've all bankai'd and their respective opponents have been drawn with the shocked, fearful eyes with dilated pupils.

but i've just finished reading the 364th chapter and WTF?? apparently the appearance of wonderweiss, aizen's child sidekick means that all the other espada will be revived from what looked like inescapable death. and right after the strip where aizen's, gin's and tousen's smug faces are shown, the vaizards suddenly show up from out of nowhere. i mean, WHERE THE HELL IS ALL THIS BULLSHIT COMING FROM?!?!

the ridiculous arcs Bleach is constantly pulled into is starting to show kubo's poor control of his story, in my opinion. of course i probably havent read enough long-winded shonen mangas for my opinion to be reliable. but seriously, deus ex machinas are clearly being abused already!! tite, it's really getting old.

add to my frustration are some inexplicable characters and character development. liiiiike, how did ichigo get his superhypermega bankai mode, why is yammy suddenly the strongest espada, what's up with rukia and sado's weird power fluctuations? and why is orihime still alive?? she only ever shows two emotions: fear and wistfulness. srsly, is she only being kept alive because of her jugs? :| i really think tite should kill off one of protagonists by now, it'll somehow save bleach from its absurdity.

i'm glad i dont watch the anime though, i find the animation off-putting and apparently, according to forums, the fillers are getting really annoying and are actually being incorporated in the main storyline.

but no matter how weird Bleach gets, i dont know how i always, without fail, read it at the end of every week. its the perfect example of what my com100 prof says about habits; it can lead to a paralyzing comfort without us knowing!

D:

oh nooo... i cant quit you, bleach. huhuhu.

2009-07-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

here's a fun fact about me: (i think) i'm an agnostic. no, this is not something i picked up just recently. i've been wondering about why i've never held mass or any religious tradition as important concepts to prioritize in terms of faith since i was in...hmm, about 4th grade i guess. i thought then that it was wrong to "doubt" like that so i tried to think that these rituals we do as catholics are really as important as my elders told me. but i never really did brush off that thought completely. and everytime i asked people assume that its something extreme and would suddenly preach to me like i'm someone in need of saving. i mean i understand that it'll somehow be defending the faith, but i'm not denying the existence of God, i'm just asking questions about our RELIGION! :|

i think it was sometime in highschool that i found a term for my 'belief', or lack thereof... this term called agnosticism. google defines an agnostic as "someone who claims that they do not know or are unable to know whether God exists". and that doesnt apply to me, HAHA. it's just that the term is near to what my opinion on faith is. i mean i believe in a God, or a primordial being, i just dont.. get these practices that are 'required' for this faith to be valid. isnt living a good life and having a good spiritual relationship with this supreme being enough? religion is like the middle man in this relationship, and humans who are capable of error run it, so like, why not cut off the middle man and focus on a purer relationship with God/Supreme Being? plus there're always these lines drawn between catholicism and other religions, and i think that you dont have to believe in the catholic God to be considered good or something. i grew up in a very catholic family and school and culture, so the belief of the existence of God was hardwired into me since birth, it's probably why the faith stuck[, or i dont know, i still wonder about how would my belief be if i didnt get conditioned into believing in God? would i be an atheist then?] XD . i was thinking that with all the stuff religion tries to teach us, the main point is to love and help and do good things. you'd actually accomplish that if you're not going to mass all the time, i'm just saying. i'm not even sure if the catholic vision of the afterlife is what we're gonna encounter so why bank everything on one belief, one doctrine? the bottomline of believing in a God to me, is not to worship a deity or anything, but to keep our moral toes in line. and other religions probably have the same goal. in all honesty i've lived most of life [since my realization] with karma as my primary spiritual guide. i find that its simple, and does the job of being a good person without being stuck-up or anything.

so i acknowledge that i might just want to customize my faith in a way that its convenient for me. maybe i just dont like mass or religious ceremonies. maybe i'm just rationalizing. maybe i just have a weak conviction. i acknowledge that. but i'm not sure yet. XD i mean i do believe in what i think of religion, but all this Theo121 (YES, natividad is working her magic on me) is making me do a double-take. a part of me wants a chance to believe fully again, in the Church and her teachings, because i might know too little about my faith to decide about what i dont believe in. too soon. but i havent heard the right words to make me snap out of this agnosticism (if i need to). i havent found anyone to explain to me without seeming too preachy. i want someone who has been where i am or something, someone who knows what i need to hear. [my parents were never helpful, when i told them that i believe in God but not in religion, they shook their heads and said that i cant believe in God without believing in religion. WTF?!] :| anyway, there, i'm just saying i believe that all we really need is love, i think doing good is just the perfect way to thank and exalt God/Supreme Being. I'm calling Him God because that's what they told me His name was when i was a kid, but you know, He could be someone else. and i may need help, so i need someone to convince me if you think i need convincing! :-S

LOL HAHA I AM SOOOO INCOHERENT =)) blaaaaah.

2009-06-29T03:21:00.000-07:00

considering that it was the most anticipated movie of the year, i easily got pulled into the "must-watch-transformers 2" bandwagon. not that that was a difficult feat, i rather enjoyed the first transformers movie and anything with shia labeouf in it is worth watching in theatres.

on one hand, transformers 2 was visually captivating and truly action-packed. the effects were staggering, and there was almost no dull moment in the 3 hours that it ran. there was enough decent humor to somehow temper the amount of action the movie was spewing out. and of course there was enough megan fox to satisfy the male viewers. however, it might have been too much of the spectacular visuals that lead transformers 2 into bad-review hell. michael bay probably focused too much on showing the audience with the special effects he can blind you with. little thought has been put on the story itself (tsktsktsk, roberto orci, LOL), that it gets really really tedious by the 2nd hour. there wasn't enough room for character development because of all the testosterone-activating action. the story was chaotic and all-over the place, and i hated that the bland resolution was built up for 3 whole hours and when it finally got there, the only thing i could say was "THAT'S IT?!". the mess of a plot didnt sit too well with many critics, sometimes it indeed felt like michael bay was trying to pull the wool over their eyes with all the razzle dazzle.

a number of inexplicable plotholes and character developments also made me go wtf. sam's mom with the pot brownies? random shards of the all-spark? leo? and why does the all-spark only make decepticons? prime ghosties with magical healing powers!!? WTF?!

i had a feeling that transformers 2 was going to be one overrated blockbuster sequel, so one tip i'm gonna give to people who havent watched it is this: take it with a grain of salt. i guess making a film like this really is hard, you'd have to properly balance the sensory attacks and the storyline. the film appreciator in me is really gonna hate me for saying this, but i sort of liked it. i dont know, maybe john turturro salvaged the whole movie for me. :)) but i'm thinking transformers 2 was made to ENTERTAIN, not please critics or be deep. if michael bay was given $200m to make this film he's expected to make a huge spectacle of it, and he certainly did just that, with all the unnecessary explosions and megan fox-ness.

so for now, i'm gonna say it's worth watching. :))

P.S i love that linkin park and hans zimmer collaborated to make the musical score. too much awesome in one track! :)

2009-06-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

i do not understand.

last summer i promised myself that i will be more creative.
i then proceeded to spend april and may just being lazy.
and now all my creative juices start flowing.
wtf? :|

~*~

there's the kind of rain i want to sing in.
there's the kind of rain i want to walk through.
there's the kind of rain i want to be emo in.

and then there's the kind of rain that soaks you through, and turns everything into a muddy, wet soup. the kind that makes puddles that fills your shoes, and endangers all the contents of your bag, including your laptop. the kind that surprises you because it was preceded by sweltering, hot, sunny weather. the kind of rain i had to go up against today.

2009-06-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

i read in someone's tumblr that The Brothers Bloom = The Royal Tenenbaums + Ocean's Eleven.

:|

........................................i'm completely sold. :|

this movie is gonna be awesome, i know it. i dont care what you say, Rotten Tomatoes! i think the cast is wonderful, the premise a little tired but workable and i expect some rocking art direction. when is this coming out in the philippines? i can't wait!

2009-06-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes i feel as lonely as bob and charlotte in lost in translation. i easily drown in the doldrums of my inefficiency as a ... well, human. :| i mean i'm not sure what to do with my life most of the time, and i'm not actually sure with anything i do, or even ever done. i just go along with life and make do with what it gives me i guess. i think i'm supposed to be at that point where i have an idea about what i want to do when i enter real life alone, but my problem is that i dont. is this quarter-life crisis? :| i do have these images in my head where i am traveling a lot (see previous blog entry) and watching a lot of movies but then i probably wouldnt know how to reach that when i generally have difficulty in trusting my abilities and decisions. yay for low self-esteem. :)) but you know, maybe i'll figure it out. luckily my being a bum comes with some kind of optimism that everything will probably turn out alright. if it doesn't i'll just adjust to the circumstances until it really is. good plan, eh? haha.

by the way. i loved sofia coppola's lost in translation. it was such a beautiful kind of sad. and set in one of my favorite countries ever: japan. it was profound and moving, though it gripped me with a sudden desperation to find a friend like bob. :))

Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be.
Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

2009-06-19T05:30:00.000-07:00

you have always thought me foolish. you have always thought me too stupid to make my own decisions because i have always wanted to take, and taken the road less traveled. my thoughts are too strange, you think, and i have no bankable expertise in anything so everything i might go into is always too much of a risk to you. it's why you've always feared for every little thing about me. it's why you've always kept me close. you have never let me grow into my own. you dont trust me. i've come to believe that life should be experienced with mistakes you've made yourself so you can learn from them. i think that mistakes are more avoidable if you understand it on your own, and not because somebody tells you it's a mistake. but i grew up believing you instead.

*cue: Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith* haha.

2009-06-15T20:09:00.000-07:00

do you know what i absolutely love?

traveling. on my own.

if i didnt have to ask my parents' permission and had loads of money, i'd probably ride the train or a jeepney or a bus to somewhere everyday. and i wouldnt even know where i'm going. i'd just keep riding, or walking. i'd bring my trusty handbag with my sunglasses and wallet and iPod. i'd eat street food and donuts and hongkong style noodles from random kiosks i'd find. i'll go shopping. if i happen to bring my camera i'd probably end up forgetting to take pictures. but the important thing is that i'm on my own, and i don't know where i'm going. there are no robbers or snatchers. i'll be in places filled with strangers and i wouldnt know if i'll ever have the time to go back home. i'd wear my yellow chucks because my beat-up black ones are tired. and probably spend the night somewhere shady and cheap. heck, i'd probably walk my way through the night. and when i finally decide to go back home, my house is quiet like it's been waiting for me half in uncertainty. i would sleep until i'm well-rested, and then the next day i'd do it all over again. :)

fly solo, fly free. fly without fear.

i'd like to do that one day, if i'll ever have the bravery to forego all the practical stuff like christopher mccandless in into the wild. hahaha.

2009-06-13T17:32:00.000-07:00

the next big thing

rob marshall was my 2004 hero. i watched Chicago then and was seriously seriously mesmerized by the stunning period film/musical. it was love at first sight, and 5 years later i still have the whole soundtrack memorized and i still dream of performing Cell Block Tango with 5 other friends. guh.

and i find about rob marshall's new movie, Nine. i totally fangirled when i learned about it from E!. it was made of too much awesome. daniel day-lewis, penelope cruz, kate hudson, marion cotillard, fergie, judi dench, nicole kidman... OMG. plus the whole thing really is reminiscent of chicago...and it'll be like a crossover with moulin rouge coz it has nicole kidman! i got goosebumps just thinking of how it'd be like..

i CANNOT wait for this movie. seriously.

well there's also Transformers 2, but i expect that it's a bit overrated. the only sequel i've ever seen that was better than the first movie was Shrek 2. :|

2009-06-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

while watching grey's anatomy a while ago for kicks coz there really wasnt anything else on tv, and in between the so-called quotable quotes and drama, i realize that meredith grey is a glorified whore and is like an infectious miserable acid trying to affect people.

i mean at first i sympathized with her.. her mom had alzheimer's and she has this uber complicated relationship with the resident cutie.. who turned out to be married.. blahdiblahdiblah...i missed out on a couple of seasons but i think her disposition will have probably been the same all throughout "oh woe is me, my life is a car wreck! my father abandoned me and my mother was as messed up as me before she got alzheimer's! BOOHOOHOO!" and i hate that meredith's always trying to look like she's holding herself and her issues up like a brave little soldier! she's asking to be 'left alone' when she virtually walks around with a "pity me!" sign over her head all the time. which she wrote herself by the way.

ugh, she really annoys me.
:|

ranty post is ranty. LOL

2009-06-03T08:18:00.000-07:00

today i finally used this bag tita left for me. it was this really awesome roomy black shoulder bag, with edgy silver zippers and wear-me-anywhere-with-anything! kind of appeal. it was just so pretty and awesome and i totally fell in love with it, and that just doesnt happen. not with shoulder bags coz dont usually use 'em.

i took it with me today to try and look for nice black pumps, a really nice classic pair that should be able to be go with any outfit and be sexy and nice all over the place... but... i never found my perfect pair. :( it was so sad...i scoured the shelves of all the stores i liked and the department store place... but... i never found them :((

maybe there really cant be too much awesome in one outfit...
:))

cabin fever

2009-06-01T08:39:00.000-07:00

i am so tired.

all.
the.
time.

ugh.

in utero

2009-05-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

IN UTERO

i am passive-aggressive and a doormat. there have been loads of times when i just want to vent or just narrate my experiences and my beliefs or ideas or...feelings, but i always end up just wanting to delete everything if its a public post. i've tried to try liking my depiction of my life in words but i just really find everything cringe-worthy. if i felt like i had something philosophical to say i'd just keep it in my head as advice for myself. i dont know if i'm transparent to other people or something, but i just kinda like shrugging the bad things off so most of the time i really dont get mad at people even when i should be. i feel the resentment later on though, and i'll always be too late so why bother?

i think my being passive-aggressive started when i was about 6 and first poured myself out in a letter to my tita asking her not to make too much of fun of me because i'd always feel hurt about it. a few days after that family members were teasing me about how i wrote that stupid letter. my 6 year old self was devastated nobody took her very very heartfelt, handwritten, tear-streaked letter seriously. but it was then i first felt that feelings weren't important, because you'd be called pikon if you took them to heart.

journals or diaries stopped working for me when my mother found out my very first journal. i had it hidden in the most unused shelf in my room together with the piano books i dont use anymore but i went home one day and she confronted me about my "rebellious", pre-pubescent feelings toward her. it would be years before i wrote anything about my anger and misery again.

all my personal blogs after that would only really be semi-personal blogs because they always just end up as random survey spaces and a waste of internet pages. all my friends had blogs, but i wanted profound mind and heart matters from me that i could never learn to spew out rationally and at the same time, coolly. the next time i kept a blog for my serious stuff i ended up feeling like an idiot when i had to give it up.

i found the idea of a secret blog cool, because it was public without being public, and writing long long long entries about my insights felt right again because i didnt have to restrain myself from too much emotion i didnt want people to know i felt. i felt free...until it got found out and that secret blog idea went to hell. :|

so i guess i really am not much for blogging. even micro-blogging. :| i dont even know why i keep blogs i eventually abandon anyway.

ironically, this is a very personal post from me.

:)

awww.

2009-03-26T19:40:00.001-07:00

awww.

even i would say.

that was pretty sweet. :)

hehe.

pretty in pink~

2009-03-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

PRETTY IN PINK

in a few weeks or so i shall turn a year older. it'll be a significant birthday for me, as it's my 18th!!! it may not be as epic as other people's, coz i dont think i'm throwing a huge party or anything.. but i hope it'll be at least memorable :)

anyway!

i will be materialistic now!!! :D

here be my 18 item- 18th Birthday Wishlist! :)

1. new laptop! pleaaaasee? haha

2. dslr or lomo camera just because. lomo cam > dslr though :))

3. pc tablet!!! :D pa-cool ako eh. hahaha. pero seryoso.

4. paper shredder. I AM SERIOUS. GUSTO KO NG PAPER SHREDDER OK???? :|

5. cellphone casing and/or cellphone protector. if you have seen the sad state of my cellphone, you will know why i am asking for this. :))

6. footwear: Chucks (in green), patent pumps (black or red), Havaianas :D :D :D

7. underwear! :D

8. clothes/accessories: shirts, skirts, belts, dresses, multicolored shoelaces, beanies or fedoras especially :D :))

9. Staedler triplus fineliners :)

10. accessory-making raw materials - clasps, nylon thread, metal wire, lots of beads.. etc :)

11. a cat. a fluffy white non-kalye tamad cat. hahaha wala lang~

12. good books :)

13. DVD's! movies or anime or tv series's, pirated or original, iwilltakethem :| :D

14. a trip to Japan ... or Six Flags! yey! :))

15. lots of money/a job hahaha

16. sewing machine - so i can make my own clothes, bitches. :P

17. PhotoShop resources - textures, brushes and tutorials hehe

18. empty scrapbook for me to fill! :D

Sorry Bunch

2008-12-08T01:04:00.000-08:00

SORRY BUNCH

on the other side, my dad made that EVIL macaroni salad!!! it had fat free mayonnaise, which doesnt have that much flavor, and it had peas and celery!!! i hate peas and celery!!! and it was full of peas and celery!!! and i also dont like the fruit salad he makes. he TRIPLE washes the fruit cocktail, it has powdered non fat milk, it doesnt have any sugar but instead 2 packs of equal or splenda (imagine 3 tupperwares full of fruit salad with only 2 packs of splenda!), and it has MAYONNAISE!!! is this what heart patients really eat!? super pea macaroni salad and tasteless fruit salad!? stop it with the mayonnaise! stop it with the peas and the celery!!!!

-my friend Ali, january 24, 2006 [i'm really sorry dude, but this..is just hilarious! :))]

~*~

when i was younger i kept a blog that i updated often. i wrote about classmates who always copied my answers in quizzes [well, at first i let them but then it got old.], my potentially being old maid material, the boy i liked, and how life seemed like it was making fun of me. :))

my old blog was practically dripping with puberty and awkward adolescence issues. =)) though, i dunno, i think i can still get pretty angsty these days, except now i would feel totally yucky about it. HAHA.

i also read a few entries from my friends' old blogs, and yes, i do confirm our pubescent jologs-ness. HAHAHAHA. thankfully, i was never one of the people who used sTiCky kEyS in writing blog entries. neither did i misuse "z"/ "h" or any letter. i also did not narrate the insignificant events of my entire day [e.g so nag-ganito kami ngayon and si so-and-so did this and that tapos nag-trike kami papuntang godknowswhere.. blahblahblah]. the worst the grammar police can pin on me is that i had bad capitalization skills, but then again that still hasn't improved very much. :))

i guess during that period of our lives dramatic blogging was so in! so new! so popular! how many friends do you have? are you part of any "blogrings"? do you get commented on often?? and probably during that time blogging and emotions were so fucking big a deal. =))

now, we cringe and be embarrassed about ourselves as we read our old posts. hahaha! :D

maybe i could use my blogs as a gauge for my emotional maturation in the future! XD LOLOLOL..

~*~

NIGHT RECONNAISSANCE

2008-10-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

NIGHT RECONNAISSANCE

[hyperspeed typing | fidgety]

i like sleeping late. nanay does not like me sleeping late. she wants me in bed by 10pm. that is way too early. i pretend to go to bed. but i go back downstairs for peaceful online time without "teeeett! tulog na!!" every 5 minutes.

the lights have to be turned off when while i am sneakily using the comp. only light coming from the monitor keeps me company in the darkness. i do not mind.

except this one particular night..

i heard a rustle of paper against an unknown thing somewhere in the darkness. i ignored it. i heard it a second time, it was closer now. i was too preoccupied with Y!M and Multiply to care. when suddenly...A FLYING COCKROACH LANDED ON MY MONITOR!!!!!! PUTANGINAPAKSHETANAKNGTOKWA!!!!

EEEEK!!!!! I HATE COCKROACHES!!!! i mean, i usually dont scream and freak out at the sight of 'em but it was THISCLOSE to my face goddamnit! :)) and and, shrieking wasnt an option coz then i'd wake everyone up and i'd be caught red-handed using the comp. THE EFFING LITTLE VERMIN CANNOT WIN LIKE THAT.

i instinctively went into a fetal position on my seat so my face can hide behind my thunder thighs. :)) i heard the cockroach fly away and land somewhere [not anywhere near me i hope] BUT SINCE ITS NOT DEAD YET, I KNOW IT'LL BE BACK.

i want to look for it and knock it out with my trusty slipper or rolled-up newspaper, but i'd need to turn on a light. HUHUHU IT KNOWS I CANT DO THAT. PLUS! IT CAN FLY!!! :)) i'm scared of trying to look for it coz it might catch me by surprise and/or bring its friends to take me down.

so here i sit, jumping up at anything that sounds remotely like an insect thats about to attack, fingers jerky, eyes wary, in fear for my life.

i wonder why i'm still up, then.

oh right. coz after that incident, whatever sleepiness i felt got totally wiped out.

i'd wish for all the cockroaches in the world to die, but that would affect the ecosystem. and biological niche stuff. :|

~*~

maybe this encounter with the cockroach kind wants to tell me something.................

FUCK YOU ALL NO WAY I'M SLEEPING EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLEEEHHHH!!!!

[edit]

the cockroach DID come back. i felt it on my leg! yuuuuck. but i had enough sanity left to shake it off and whack it with my slipper.

TAKE THAT SUCKAH I WIN!!!!!!

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC

2008-10-16T06:01:00.000-07:00

FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC

AAAHH HIGHSCHOOL. there can never be a time quite like it. XD

i went "home" again today. :D everything seemed so familiar yet sooo new!! we finally got to use that bridge connecting the highschool building to the gym. damn i wish they'd thought of that when they were having the gym constructed. that place is so convenient and bright and refreshing! then again maybe i'm just being really all alumni-like and optimistic. hahaha.

invaded the current seton notes staff and office. hahaha. Patrick's hair = comedy. :)) . it's kind of sad the first issue hasn't been released yet and it's frickin october but i hope they manage. XD after all, i can't really say we did a spectacular job of being on schedule when our batch managed the school paper. hehehe.

~*~

some of our former teachers told me i look happier now. i dont know how i didnt look as happy then or how or why i look happier now. i'm just going to bask in their compliments. :))

and even though i hadnt seen most of the people i was with today for ages, it still felt like we never really parted ways at all.

i really appreciate that. :)

i still love ZdN. :)

~*~

went to ATC after visiting Seton. it was the first time i was riding a jeepney after a looooooong time. i was just shocked at how the fare skyrocketed. :)) P13 from Casimiro to ATC?? OMGWTFBBQ.

also i re-learned a few lessons on the Art of Jeepney Riding.

1. do not sit near the driver because you will constantly be handing over payments and change.
2. even if the barker says "kasya pa apat!", DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. get off quickly, or you will end up in a ridiculous position in the jeepney aisle until someone gets off.
3. say "para [po]!" when you're at least 25m away from your stop. the driver may not have been paying attention and will not hit the brakes until you're far from where you should have been dropped off.

~*~

Tropic Thunder was epic.

srsly.

GO RDJ.

=))

~*~

FILL ME UP

2008-10-13T05:04:00.000-07:00

FILL ME UP

here's something i think is worth blogging about! :D

so earlier i was on this bus, and as usual i was on the window seat. i was just watching the traffic outside when i saw my friend Ali from highschool...on the bus across the road!! what a fun coincidence. there we were, just with our commute-faces on, when we totally caught each other's eye and realized we recognize the person from the bus going the opposite direction. :))

~*~

i didn't get to watch Tropic Thunder today. BOO. and i commuted from Las Piñas to Katips for a two-hour play. HMMMN.

okay, think haaaaappppyyyy tttthhhooooooouuuuuggggggghhhhhttttsss.

...kidding.
=))

it's no big deal, i dont like it in Las Piñas so any excuse to go back to Katips even for a short while is awesome. :D

~*~

A SHORT HISTORY OF NEARLY NOTHING

2008-10-12T00:55:00.000-07:00

A SHORT HISTORY OF NEARLY NOTHING

i am currently infatuated with Amanda Palmer [from The Dresden Dolls] and her solo album Who Killed Amanda Palmer?. ack! she's amazing! she's seriously disturbed, but she fascinates me as much as she scares me. XD

and when i finally break down, i want it to look like the video for that delightfully delirious song Runs in the Family. :D

~*~

i wish i seriously opened up in my blogs, so i can get things out of my chest. given, the sekritzz journal has some insane shit in it complete with choppy sentences and colorful expletives. but that is unhealthy ranting and raving, and if only i can make myself coherent and blog properly then i can safely channel bad vibes out of my system. then again, who knows what a proper blog is, anyway? =/

~*~

WELCOME TO SHOCK ABSORBED.

2008-10-11T23:23:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO SHOCK ABSORBED.

the new cyberhome of everyone's favorite afterthought! :D

since i've already been clogging up livejournal and multiply's bandwidth with my mental diarrhea, i figured 'why not clog up blogspot/blogger's as well?' haha.

right, so now i have a sekritzz journal [and duh, i can't link you there coz its a sekrit], a sabaw blog [in multiply] AND an "in-between" blog here.

this is where the coherent/[trying hard]profound stuff will go! [well, hopefully]

yay, aren't you excited?? :D

~*~

it was hard trying to find a layout that isn't too flashy, too plain, too emo or too colorful. i tried Shock Absorbed with about a dozen layouts before finally deciding on this quirky one that i wouldn't normally pick. XD

i still dont feel like it's the right layout for this blog, but its the closest to being so so far and i'm already tired from looking at all the wrong themes.

-_-