Monday, December 12, 2011
i need to learn to try harder.
but i really think i'm deadening the wrong emotions.
i meant for the expectations to stop coming. i meant to play by your rules, and to try and see things in your way.
but instead, i still want the things you can't give. and with every answer a disappointment, every compromise a letdown, i feel my affections waning because i'm tired of feeling my hopes get trampled and crumpled as if they're the most inconsequential things.
i dont even want to be excited with seeing you anymore. i dont even want to be excited with any possibility of spending time together. i know somewhere between that i will just want to go home and sigh and wonder where the stirrings in my heart went.
i never feel that you're around anymore. i havent felt that you're by my side for a while. i honestly feel more alone now when i'm with you than when i really was on my own.
i will find the answer in Peels.5:17 AM
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
please try harder.
i can't do this on my own.
i can't do this if you don't care. i can't do this if it doesn't matter to you.
i will find the answer in Peels.6:18 AM
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
it must be easy for you, keeping me at bay. only enjoying your time with me while i writhe and toss and turn inside my head; compromising my rosy expectations with the tedious reality and WAITING. a whole lot of waiting, only for you.
how come those silly little dreams i have that i should be dreaming of with you, i have to dream with someone else?
how come you can't just integrate me in your life in the long term? i mean, your brain literally can't process it. you remove me from anything that will 'stick'; anything that you will have to look back on years from now, you remove me from our context. i don't even know if this is done consciously, but it is so glaringly obvious to me. i'd rather you reject me. or assure me that when you do think of these things, it will include me. it will include us.
i'm not stupid, of course there might be other reasons if it isnt meant to be. but if it isnt meant to be, it will not be because i lacked commitment. it will not be because i didn't try hard enough. it will not be because i held you loosely, and only wanted "to see where things would go". i am not experimenting. i am not gathering "life experience". i would not waste my time for any of that. i would not only do it for the love of cute moments.
i stay for you. i stay for the hope that it would always be you.
i will find the answer in Peels.9:01 AM
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
apparently, i bottle anger, resentment and disappointment and leave them forgotten somewhere within me.
it comes out in a torrent when i accidentally open it, and turns into a black, violent swirl of hate.
why do i do this? why do i repress?
Labels: and never turning to my page, slamming my yearbook shut when i get it
i will find the answer in Peels.10:33 AM
do i look stupid?
of course it's shallow! don't make it seem like i just don't have control over what i feel. i DON'T WANT to feel better about it, don't you see?
fuck you all can't i be shallow this one time after all the growing up i've had to do for you?
i will find the answer in Peels.9:35 AM
Friday, August 12, 2011
i'm gold and you know it.
so what if i decided i deserve better than this?
i will find the answer in Peels.6:23 AM
Monday, August 8, 2011
if i pray for you, and i will, don't misunderstand.
it's not out of hoping that there is something after death. i think that there's nothing as well, i think that we're supposed to reap the goodness we've sown in this life while we're alive and there's no reward or punishment that comes at the end of it.
i'd pray out of hoping that you truly felt that you did the best out of what time was given to you.
i will find the answer in Peels.7:56 PM