Sunday, May 3, 2009
IN UTERO

i am passive-aggressive and a doormat. there have been loads of times when i just want to vent or just narrate my experiences and my beliefs or ideas or...feelings, but i always end up just wanting to delete everything if its a public post. i've tried to try liking my depiction of my life in words but i just really find everything cringe-worthy. if i felt like i had something philosophical to say i'd just keep it in my head as advice for myself. i dont know if i'm transparent to other people or something, but i just kinda like shrugging the bad things off so most of the time i really dont get mad at people even when i should be. i feel the resentment later on though, and i'll always be too late so why bother?

i think my being passive-aggressive started when i was about 6 and first poured myself out in a letter to my tita asking her not to make too much of fun of me because i'd always feel hurt about it. a few days after that family members were teasing me about how i wrote that stupid letter. my 6 year old self was devastated nobody took her very very heartfelt, handwritten, tear-streaked letter seriously. but it was then i first felt that feelings weren't important, because you'd be called pikon if you took them to heart.

journals or diaries stopped working for me when my mother found out my very first journal. i had it hidden in the most unused shelf in my room together with the piano books i dont use anymore but i went home one day and she confronted me about my "rebellious", pre-pubescent feelings toward her. it would be years before i wrote anything about my anger and misery again.

all my personal blogs after that would only really be semi-personal blogs because they always just end up as random survey spaces and a waste of internet pages. all my friends had blogs, but i wanted profound mind and heart matters from me that i could never learn to spew out rationally and at the same time, coolly. the next time i kept a blog for my serious stuff i ended up feeling like an idiot when i had to give it up.

i found the idea of a secret blog cool, because it was public without being public, and writing long long long entries about my insights felt right again because i didnt have to restrain myself from too much emotion i didnt want people to know i felt. i felt free...until it got found out and that secret blog idea went to hell. :|

so i guess i really am not much for blogging. even micro-blogging. :| i dont even know why i keep blogs i eventually abandon anyway.

ironically, this is a very personal post from me.

:)

i will find the answer in Peels.
0 boo(s)