Thursday, September 30, 2010
the conditions you're used to tell you you should detach yourself from anything uncertain.

and despite well-meaning advice that i should detach myself as well, i'm sticking with my 'all or nothing' shtick.

i guess it's safer to detach so you don't give too much of yourself, and so you don't crash if it doesn't work out. but that is so cowardly. and i have never been as certain.

fuck getting hurt, man! what are you so scared of?

i will find the answer in Peels.
0 boo(s)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

well it hurts to know i wont ever surprise or intrigue or impress or earn respect on my own.

it hurts to know i can easily found in loads of other people, to know that i'm not a lot to lose, and probably not even enough. it's so me to never be needed needed for particular things. anyone else could do a better job at the same thing but i just happened to be right there, willing to stick it out in the hope of finding something to really be needed in.

i used to think i could get somewhere even with my ways, but apparently you had to have a personality, these mechanisms and mindsets and certain abilities to truly be successful. all of which i've inherently practiced the opposite of. but i like being me, so it sucks that i only get to choose either my ideals or success. but it still hurts to feel irrelevant, and forgettable, and to realize that i may doomed to forever being a second-rate everything, even with the things i'm passionate about.

as far as i know, i'm replaceable. so sometimes, when i realize the awesomeness of where i am, i think, "what the hell am i doing here? i'm not worthy and i don't even like what this is making me!" and i could easily leave and save myself the misery but i've come to truly love so much and care so much and have the details of it mean so much to me i'm willing to work my ass off just to deserve it and be a part of it.

i will find the answer in Peels.
0 boo(s)

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

sometimes an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy comes and i fear that nothing i do will be enough to match the way you take care of me.

but i know that i will keep babying you and spoiling you and doing as much as i can for you for as long as you let me.

that, i'm pretty sure of.

i will find the answer in Peels.
0 boo(s)

Friday, September 3, 2010

once in a while, the realization of the things i have had to put up with or give up slap me in the face and i question what seems to be so easy for me.

i decide that it's very difficult, and it will get more difficult as time goes by. i think that i do not want part of it, that i should call it quits now while i think doing so is still something i could do. i hear myself complain about all the things i never really considered a big deal because at the time i felt it was okay.

and i consider demanding more of what "i deserve".

but i let the night pass and sleep.

the next day, when i feel so much better, i realize why things are so easy all the time.

and it's the easiest thing to do again.

i will find the answer in Peels.
1 boo(s)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

i really really really hate it when people flatter themselves.

yes yes, you're all that and more. your knowledge is vast, and your talent is unparalleled!

that's great.

KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

i will find the answer in Peels.
0 boo(s)