Friday, March 5, 2010
there's this online test i took which said my self-sufficiency was low. i guess it was true.

i find it very very very hard to believe anything nice and important said about me. once i believed in something awesome that was said to me often and well it didnt turn out to be true. and now even in completely different situations with completely different people, when its best for me to just believe, i cant even if i really wanted to. i just couldnt.

i wish i didnt think about things, and only thought of now. i know i'm really happy now. but i'm scared of being caught off guard and rebuilding from square one. its a LOT to lose, so that at least i'm sure would be understood. i'm becoming so attached, so prone to being blindsided one (theoretical) day. so i constantly remind myself that things might not be true again, that i might not always be happy, but it always hurts to think about.

so it really kind of sucks that i have to wrestle with balancing being happy yet being somehow guarded a lot of the time. and it sucks even more to do it alone, because i know i can't be promised anything. but it would have made me feel better to know i'm not the only one wondering sometimes. or that its okay to wonder. it's not like not thinking about these fears makes them go away.

or, i'd rather be lied to, i guess. i dont know.

i wish i could talk to someone, really talk to someone. and have them listen, and not just wait for their turn to speak. or tell me to just not think about it and try to amuse me to distract me. i wish they'd hug me and tell me something wise and somehow assure me anything! i wish they'd tell me they understand and mean it. i wish they'd tell me i'm a lot to lose too and mean it.

and i wish i could talk about it and not feel more like a silly loser afterwards because that's what i just usually feel when i attempt to say something i dont usually bring up. especially with this.

i will find the answer in Peels.
0 boo(s)